


take me (back)

by junxouji



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama & Romance, Eventual Smut, Insecurity, M/M, Miscommunication, Romance, Sexual Frustration
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 07:50:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17219888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: Missing Kyungsoo was knowing every particle in him was going to combust with longing and passion. Jongin is set on fire with the infernal of absence Kyungsoo leaves in his life.





	take me (back)

**Author's Note:**

> I do not know where I got inspiration for this but it came at night so keep that mind when you read my rambling mess.
> 
> As always you can talk to me on [twt](https://twitter.com/junxouji)[](https://twitter.com/junxouji) or send me some prompts on [cc](https://curiouscat.me/junxouji).

“ _Some people are a flicker, some people are the flame._

 _And some people are the reason every particle in you combusts with passion, and sometimes, being set on fire can be the most intoxicating thing to happen_.”

  
  
  
  


There was a certainty in his heart that knew long before their end that there would be exactly that: _an end_ . There was always something _lacking_ there. It was subtle at first but it grew with their time together and with intensity until it could no longer be ignored. Jongin lacked the passion and enthusiasm that Kyungsoo needed in a partner. They could live together musically but when it came to anything relating to the heart there was an obvious discord.

 

Their relationship had been so stagnant that Jongin thought when Kyungsoo gave him that _disappointing_ look that would inevitably end in his _goodbyes_ that he would not notice his absence. He had been **wrong**. So terribly wrong.

 

There was the void in every space of their once shared apartment. The space that used to accompany two now seemed far too big for just Jongin. The warmth had left the space leaving behind just an equally empty man. It seemed foolish Jongin had just allowed him to walk out like that. He still couldn’t erase the wounded expression when Kyungsoo realized Jongin wasn’t going to put up a fight -- wasn’t even going to fight for him. The solidifying look of resolve that passed from the hurt on Kyungsoo’s handsome face hurt Jongin in return. Reassured them both Kyungsoo was making the right choice in the end by leaving Jongin despite there being obvious swimming hopes.

 

Kyungsoo was not cruel. He had always been supportive and understanding. Even in the end, he was careful with his words to not cause any more unnecessary damage ensuring Jongin that one day they could return to being friends.

 

Jongin had fucked up by letting Kyungsoo walk out. He knew this now just a little too late for it to make any difference.

 

He did not know how ended up at the bar. It was at Baekhyun’s persistence that he needed to get out and maybe he was right because he hadn’t moved from his bed in days. He could only manage the strength to stare at the white walls hugging a sweater Kyungsoo left behind like a fool. Baekhyun had gathered him up, cleaned him up, and quite literally forced him out of the apartment that was his prison of memories.

 

Jongin is barely able to concentrate on the yapping of Baekhyun and Yixing, his best and only friends left from university. They had been _their_ friends and Jongin suspects they still keep in contact with Kyungsoo as well. They’re just too polite to mention his name in front of him now. Jongin is both grateful and resentful of it. He wants to get to a point where _his_ name doesn’t hang in the air, suffocating the comfort from his lungs and sending his heart racing. He wants to be unaffected.

 

In retrospect, drinking is a terrible idea. But it helps loosen him and allow him to smile half-heartedly at his friends’ jokes. It’s only Jongin is not just drinking to relax but he is drinking to forget. One becomes two, two becomes four, and before he knows it his head is spinning with the strongest urge to hurl his guts into the nearest trash bin. He wobbly gets up knowing he is heading to his most certain _doom_ when he gestures to Baekhyun that he is alright and he doesn’t need help with taking a piss.

 

But he isn’t going to go use the restroom.

 

Instead he is going to make a decision he regrets. He takes a seat on the dirty floor of the bathroom stall as the room does swirls around him and he tugs out his phone, unsteadily unlocking it, only to press the number he has memorized by heart.

 

Still just as prompt as ever, Kyungsoo answers on the second ring; never one to make Jongin wait for anything.

 

“Jongin?” He asks uncertainty as if he hadn’t expected him to call.

 

“Kyungsoo.” Jongin murmurs back softly already feeling his gut clench from this burning feeling erupting in his stomach. All of the air in his lungs leave as his hand goes to cover his pathetic face. He never really thought it would hurt _this_ much. Why is it impossible to forget him? Rather than feel content with himself, his skin feels too tight -- stretched over gaunt bone and pulling at the seams of his sanity. More than anything, he doesn’t want to return to an empty bed to go to sleep alone. It’s been fucking weeks and Jongin doesn’t think he can last _another_ fucking day.

 

“Jongin, are you _alright_? Where are you at? Is that music in the background? Are you out? Have you been drinking? Who are you with?” The series of questions vomit out of habit Jongin is certain. He hates how even now Kyungsoo can do absolutely no wrong. He cannot bring himself to find something to hate about him.

 

“Kyungsoo-- _I_ \--” but the words don’t come. They hadn’t come when Kyungsoo left and he still didn’t have the guts to confess the truth. “ _I am going to be sick_.” And just like that, the gates that had been protecting his pride and his heart flood open. Their hinges snap and his self control is lost as the sobs break through, both choked and weak desperately trying to grasp it all together again to keep his cool. It’s a losing battle because his heart is aching so terribly and his tears do not seem to have an end.

 

“Jongin, tell me where you are. I’ll come get you.” Jongin does find something to hate. He hates the gentleness in Kyungsoo’s voice. The sympathy and the care that he knows Kyungsoo must be wearing across his face.

 

What is Jongin even searching for? He was tired from trying to fill the void of Kyungsoo. He wanted so desperately to feel alright again. More importantly, he wants Kyungsoo back in his life. Jongin had never been the most outgoing and never had many people around him. Kyungsoo was his opposite in many ways.

 

“Jongin, where are you?” He hears his ex-boyfriend repeating worry dripping from his voice.

 

But Jongin cannot bring himself to utter the name of the bar. Instead, he hangs up and removes the battery from his phone before dropping it in his pocket. The pathetic sobs that escape his chest will only consume him with regret later but for now they let out the constipated feelings that had lodged themselves in his heart.

 

He doesn’t know how long he sits there in the dirty stall with a hand pressed against his wet face trying to reign in his emotions so he could face the others. He only knows times as passed by the opening of the bathroom doors and a voice breaking through the stalls,

 

“Jongin?” Baekhyun.

 

It’s not surprising given Kyungsoo would automatically call him next. It’s a pair of feet. Yixing? Then a third person. The bathroom stall door is rattled when they realize which one it is. Jongin wipes at his face once more before he gets up to open it.

 

He’s greeted by Baekhyun, Yixing, and …. Kyungsoo. He is dressed warmly. A black winter coat, a hat, and reddened nose. Jongin can imagine how he might have been out Christmas shopping with his brother beforehand but now was dragged into his messes. Baekhyun reaches for him and Jongin pushes his arms away.

 

“I am okay.” Jongin murmurs trying to make his way around them for a hasty exit.

 

However, Kyungsoo was never afraid to be bold when needed. His hand grabs his arm in such firmness that suggests Jongin wasn’t going to be able to just run away. Jongin, unable to help himself, looks up from his wet lashes to peer at Kyungsoo’s face. He looks the same. Just as handsome as he remembers.

 

There is concern and something else Jongin cannot put a name to mixed in those warm honey brown orbs.

 

“I will get him home safely. Enjoy your night.” Kyungsoo says quietly to Baekhyun and Yixing before tugging Jongin along. Perhaps it’s the emotional exhaustion and the alcohol swimming in his blood that gives him no room to fight it. He’s already come this far to ensure Jongin was okay. The best Jongin could do at this point was give them all as little trouble as possible.

 

Baekhyun looks concerned like he is seconds away from stepping in. But Yixing puts an understanding hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder to keep him from intervening. The fight releases from his shoulders and Baekhyun nods adding, “Text me in the morning, Nini.”

 

Jongin gives a weak nod before he’s being escorted out of the club.

 

It’s odd to be this way with Kyungsoo after so long knowing they weren’t ever going to have another moment like this. He is escorted to the passenger seat and buckled in. Jongin catches scent of his usual cologne and it sends waves of longing to the pit of his gut. Kyungsoo pauses before pushing back Jongin’s messy hair before he shuts the car door to move around to the other side.

 

The car ride is silent for a long while until Kyungsoo finally breaks the silence, “I don’t understand.” When Jongin adds nothing to the conversation, he continues: “I _just_ don’t get it. You said you were _fine_ , Jongin. But looking at you now I am convinced you’re everything _but_ fine. You still give me that _empty_ stare that makes me want to rattle your brain until you tell me what you’re thinking.”

 

Jongin’s drift to the window feeling the prickling burn of shame. It weighs heavy on his chest. God, he _wasn’t_ alright. He had not been alright since Kyungsoo left but how could he admit it had been a mistake? How could he admit letting Kyungsoo had been a terrible lapse of judgement when Jongin hadn’t even been decent enough to fight for him to stay?

 

“You _wanted_ to break up with me but you call me on your drunken binges with _other_ guys crying. You’re sending me all kind of mixed signals.”

 

Jongin glances over quickly interjecting, “They’re not m-my guys. Like, they’re just friends -- I wasn’t… looking for anyone _new_.”

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes flicker over but his expression doesn’t change. Instead, he lets out a heavy sigh he must have been holding in for a while. “I just don’t get it. I shouldn’t care an ounce for you with how things went. You _broke_ my heart. But I looked at you in that club’s bathroom knowing you had been crying in there alone and the first person you called was me. You’re playing my heart like a fucking puppet on a string.”

  


“I hate myself for e-everything! For putting you through all of this.” Jongin confesses quietly, voice raw from crying earlier. There is so much desperation pleading in his voice Jongin literally has no other ways of expressing it. He doesn’t think he has the right to ask for him back but it’s dancing on the tip of his tongue.

 

“Why did you break up with me?”

 

Jongin leans back in his seat realizing they’re pulling up to his apartment. However, he has a feeling they’re anything but done talking. Jongin’s throat tightens.

 

“You wanted to leave. I wasn’t going to hold you back.” Jongin says lamely.

 

“I _wanted_ you to show you cared.” Kyungsoo corrects, “It seemed like it didn’t matter if I was there or not, you’d continue to exist as you were. Do you have any idea of how much that hurt? To think that your boyfriend was completely fine without you in their life?”

 

“I made a lot of mistakes,” Jongin feels as though he’s whispering as he glances over again feeling the car halt to a stop, “But Kyungsoo, you’re the only one who has ever mattered to me. You’re the only person who makes me feel anything. I am just so _tired_ of wishing you were there. I want you. I want you so much I am scared of what will happen. I _do_ love you and I hate how you look at me accusingly as if I don’t. Kyungsoo, I know I have no right to ask you of anything but _please_ the apartment is so empty without you.. Will you spend the night with me?”

 

It’s laughable and offensive. He can see the angry boiling under Kyungsoo’s carefully guarded visage. His ivory smooth skin reddens at the offensive request. His dark eyes narrow and his nostrils flare,

 

“ _Jongin_.”

 

“I _know_ . I know I am a piece of shit for asking you but I _miss_ you. I do not have the right to ask anything of you. I want you back in my life. But I know I cannot expect that of you after everything I’ve done _so_ for one night let me **pretend**.”

 

“ _Get. Out_.”

 

“Kyungsoo--”

 

“Get out of my fucking car, Jongin.” Kyungsoo snaps fingers moving to the automatic locks to unlock the car. Jongin is flabbergasted on what to do because he’s really fucked things up but has no idea on how to salvage it. He is getting out of the car and uncertainty shutting the door behind him. He stands there with the car between them before he hesitantly walks to his apartment steps, casting one glance behind him to see Kyungsoo still sitting there looking straight ahead knuckles white with how hard he is gripping the steering wheel.

 

Jongin heads up and unlocks his apartment door. He is suddenly overcome with the desire to slam his head against the wall because he just kept fucking things up. He takes one careful step in as he moves to shut the door. Only it doesn’t _shut_ . Instead, a foot jams through the opening and Kyungsoo is pushing the door open. His eyes are firey and it catches Jongin off guard to see the loathing there but also the _desire_ threatening to overflow. He pushes against Jongin’s chest and his mouth slots against his, Jongin’s back thudding against the wall, and the door being haphazardly kicked shut.

 

His lungs are on fire. They’re threatening to overflow. He knows they’re making a mistake but god, it’s a mistake he wants so desperately to make.

  
  



End file.
